Sidetracked
by I. Run. E
Summary: Originally called Allies of Awkwardness, I decided to change it and update. It's a story with some of the allies in Paper Mario games. T for some language, but it's not hardcore. Reviews appreciated.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: Now that I look back on it, I was pretty obsessed this game. I was obsessed enough to start a fanfic. It's been half a year since I started and updated, but I suppose I should try and finish it, so I'll tweak several chapters and start new ones, hopefully soon.

In a universe made of wood, there is a three dimensional world with cute two dimensional characters. This is a world where a small wildfire could cause massive casualties and paper cuts are only natural to have. This place is none other than the world of Paper Mario. And here, there have been many great adventures. Well, actually only two so far, but this is story is of the third adventure, which isn't as much as an adventure but rather more as a humorous exploit, which doesn't even have any significance, but, well…whatever.

Deep in the pastures of Petal Meadows, two koopas popped out of a warp pipe. The first of the turtles had a mustache that was slightly turning grey from old age. He wore a yellow shell and a hard hat. This was, of course, the famous archeologist, Kolorado. Behind him was blue shelled Kooper, in the prime of his youth. He adjusted his red ascot and looked back at the warp pipe. A goomba with a blue hat struggled out, along with a couple of oversized bags.

"Kooper…" Goombario huffed, "when you asked me…to come with you…for an excavation…I didn't think…I'd be carrying…all the stuff." He honestly wanted to pass out right there on the grass.

"Oh, don't be such a cry baby," Kooper replied, "You out of all people should know that goombas are natural slave laborers."

"Wait, did you just refer to me as your slave?" the goomba asked.

"Of course I did."

"By golly!" Kolorado yelled, "Hooktail's Castle is right over there!" He ran and leaped into another warp tunnel, but due to it being covered in stone, his skull was crushed on impact. It was a good thing he had a helmet on.

"It's a good thing you had a helmet on, otherwise you might've killed off your last brain cell," Goombario said to his fallen body. Kooper gave him a glare for insulting his all-time hero.

"Err…well, judging by these two stones, looks like we need a sun and a moon relic to gain access to the castle," he said, observing the scene.

"Hey, we should go to Petalburg and ask the locals about this," the blue shelled one commented.

"Petalburg, eh? Sounds like a rip-off from Pokemon," Goombario remarked.

"What?"

"I said nothing," he said, "Hey! Do you think we should leave Kolorado here, alone?" He noted that he was already leaving to town.

"Oh, he'll be alright," Kooper said, "He is world-famous after all. Now carry our supplies slave!" The koopa exited the area while Goombario groaned and began to drag the bags with his lips.

"…guh," Kolorado sputtered once he left.

Meanwhile…

In Petalburg, a female goomba walked out of an inn, yawning. She had blond hair and wore a hardhat with a red tie. She also had a skin condition that made her slightly paler than regular goombas. She walked over to Koops' house and saw Koopie Koo, most likely the only female koopa in the world, standing outside nonchalantly with her hair tied in a ponytail in a pink hair band.

"Have fun in Shhwonk Fortress?" the koopa asked.

"You bet! That place is a literal goldmine for archeologists like me!" she replied enthusiastically. The turtle sighed.

"Are you sure you have to leave so soon?" she asked.

"Yeah, I have to get the sun and moon stones back to Frankly for study," Goombella said saddened by the thought, "Tell Koops goodbye for me." She started walking, but stopped. She realized that she didn't the relics with her.

"Say, exactly where are the stones anyway?" the goomba asked. Koopie Koo looked up and turned her head toward the pink house.

"I think Mayor Kroop has them," she said, "but I wouldn't suggest-" She ignored her warning and opened the door. Quickly, she shut it and tried to hold back the vomit, but with no hands, it made it all the harder.

"The bathroom's upstairs," Koopie Koo said to her. Instantly, the goomba went inside the house and rushed up the steps.

Elsewhere in the village…

Goombario had just entered Petalburg, where Kooper was interviewing some of the civilians. Being so tired from pulling a string of extremely heavy bags with his lips two hundred yards, the goomba left the bags in front of a toad house and went in. He collapsed on the bed without talking to the inn keeper and closed his eyes.

_Four seconds later…_

"That'll be five coins," the toad said waking him up.

"What? Why?" he asked.

"Toad's have to make a living too you know," she replied.

"But back in Mushroom Kingdom, everything was free!" Goombario complained.

"You're not in Mushroom Kingdom anymore," she said menacingly, "Now give me the coins or I'll cut off your feet." The innkeeper pulled out a saw and smiled creepily at him. The goomba stepped back.

"Fine!" he said, "Take the money!" He ran out of there as fast as he could, and found that the bags he placed in front of the inn had somehow followed him. He shrugged and started talking to a koopa.

"I'm looking to gain access to Hooktail's Castle. Know anyone who might be able to help me?" Goombario asked.

"The mayor might know. He lives in the pink house," he said.

_Pink house? Sounds hideous_, the goomba thought.

"The mayor's old. I mean _real_ old. He's so old, it's creepy how he can still move around," green boots said to him.

"Err…yeah," he said leaving, "got it." Goombario walked to the other side of town and jumped up to the pink house. Suddenly he heard something from the house adjacent to him, which was odd since goombas didn't have ears. He looked back and saw the female goomba walk out the door. Goombario went into a state of shock.

"Oh…dear…god," he said aloud.

Another Note: I've never liked Goombario. It's a random thought, but I'm just putting it out there, just so that you know.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: 'Vomit' is such a violent word.

After Goombella had 'finished up', she walked down stairs, looking a little more pale than she was already from her skin condition. She came outside and thought she saw something shoot toward Mayor Kroop's ivy garden. She brushed the feeling off and walked toward Koopie Koo.

"Exactly…when is he…going to be done?" Goombella asked. Through sheer will, she managed to keep the rest of her lunch down.

"Well, since you just barged in there without knocking, I'd say another hour or so," she replied.

"Yeah…great," the female goomba said walking away, "I think I'll…go cry myself asleep…at the inn." She slowly started making her way to the other side of town. Goombario watched her leave the area from behind the ivy garden and sighed when she disappeared. He then realized that he was standing in front of a hideous pink house.

"I guess this is the place," he said to himself. The goomba walked over to the door. Koopie Koo spotted him and tried to warn the little guy, but it was too late. He opened it and slammed it shut once he got a glimpse.

"Dag nab it! Don't you youngsters ever hear of knocking!" Kroop yelled in his elderly voice. In a similar way to Goombella, Goombario tried keep himself from throwing up all over the ground without the use of hands.

"Bathroom's upstairs," Koopie Koo said to him. He instantly ran into the stranger's home and charged up the stairs without question. At the moment he slammed the bathroom door, Goombella appeared into the area looking a little more refreshed. She walked over to the girl koopa.

"You're looking a little better," Koopie Koo commented.

"Well, there's nothing like a four second nap to calm your nerves," she replied, "And I needed it after _that _unspeakable horror. I swear I am never going to open a door without knocking ever again." She felt shivers down her spine as she reminisced about it.

"Oh, don't feel too bad," the koopa comforted, "There's a goomba who suffered the same fate a few seconds ago. I think he's upstairs right now."

"Really?" asked Goombella, "Maybe we ought to check if he's alright." She walked into the home and started up the stairs. Goombario, who had finished expelling his wastes through his esophagus, came out of the bathroom and saw this. He panicked and looked for a way to escape this horrid meeting. Seeing a window, he opened it and jumped out, completely forgetting that he was on the second story.

"That's weird," Goombella said to herself, "No one's here."

Meanwhile…

Kooper had just entered the area. He looked around and saw the pink house. The koopa jumped up to the door and reached his hand out to open it. Suddenly, he was tackled by a goomba with a blue hat. Goombario, after the fall, had survived since he had an exceptionally thick skull. Eventually, he gained several of his senses back and saw what was about to occur. So he tackled his friend into the ivy garden before the same unspeakable horror could happen to him.

"Trust me," Goombario shouted, "You _do not_ want to go in there!"

"Dude, get off," he said.

"Promise me you won't go in there!" the goomba demanded.

"Uh…why?" Kooper asked.

"Just promise!" he yelled hysterically.

"Okay! Fine! I promise!" Kooper said. Suddenly two confused girls came out of the home adjacent to the one they were at.

"I guess I'll just have to ask _them_ how to get into Hooktail's Castle," the koopa said getting up. He suddenly felt resistance on his red wristband.

"No, you will not," Goombario growled.

"And why not?" he asked, pulling his arm away from his dull teeth.

"Because, you just can't," the goomba answered. Kooper gave him a quizzical look.

"All right, fine. You see that goomba girl there?" he asked. The koopa gave a nod.

"Well, I prayed to God that I'd never tell this story to anyone, but if it'll stop you from going over there, I guess I'll have to," he said.

Flashback

Goombario stepped into a classroom. After his journey with Mario, he did a few more years of home school, and then went to college. And, of course, that college was none other than U Goom. He took a seat near the front. Although it was his first day, he was brimming with confidence from his experiences and was eager to learn. Yep, he was that sort of loser. From beside him, he heard a chair move. Goombario averted his eyes and saw a goomba girl with blonde hair, a hardhat, a red tie, and a skin condition that made her slightly paler than the rest of the species. He quickly turned away when she noticed his glance.

"Good morning class," a goomba said entering the class. He stepped with vigor, even though he was old had balding grey hair. He wore glasses which made it seem he was even older.

_How is able to wear glasses when he has no ears?_ Goombario thought. The old goomba stared at him, as if he read his mind.

"I am Professor Frankly," he said passing his glance to the rest of the class, "Don't let my appearance fool you. I'm really quite young." Frankly started chuckling, which made the students start nervously laughing.

"Now, can anyone tell me what this is?" the professor said holding up an object. Its cap was red with white spots and had black eyes on its peachy stem. Clearly, it was a mushroom.

"You there, with the oversized zit, tell me what this is," Frankly demanded.

"Um…" the unsuspecting goomba stammered, "it's a…mushroom?"

"Of course it's a mushroom," he said aloud, "Only a moron wouldn't be able to recognize what a mushroom would look like, but tell me, what else is it? What is it behind this exterior?" The goomba hesitated.

"It's a…vegetable?" he said uncertainly. There were several laughs from that answer. He gave a dejected sigh.

"Don't feel too bad," Frankly comforted, "You came here to learn, and I came here to teach. Who am I to ask an inferior being such as you a question?" His odd method of comforting hadn't helped.

"I'll tell you what it is," he said walking around the front of the class, "This is a symbol. This mushroom is a symbol for health, vitality, growth, and, most importantly, five more seconds to fight on stage." He swallowed the shroom whole. It was quite the impossible feat, considering that it was about his size.

"Who here can relate?" the professor asked. The students started murmuring and shifting their feet.

"Oh, c'mon," he said, "I know everyone here has been in at least one battle. It's in our fibers. We're born to whack each other inconsiderately. And we _learn_ to know how to better strategize our battle plan." He sat down on his desk.

"I need two volunteers," Frankly said aloud. Several people jumped up and down, since they couldn't raise their hands, but, instead, he chose the two goombas in front.

"You two," he said, "Up here, front and center." Goombario and Goombella awkwardly got out of their seats and went in front of the class.

"Approach each other in battle, but don't fight. Just tattle. I don't want to go through another lawsuit again," he said. Professor Frankly chuckled again, earning him a couple more uncomfortable laughs from the class.

"Remember, know your enemy," he said, "that's the key to victory."

"Okay," Goombella started, "Goombario, a typical goomba, underlings of underlings. HP: 2 and defense: 0."

"No, no, no!" the professor said, "Go more in-depth!" It was now Goombario's turn.

"Let's see," he said, "Goombella, also a goomba, which are the typical small fries. HP: 2 and defense: 0, and, um…" He struggled to make his tattle different from his so-called enemy.

"…You uh, sleep with…a stuffed unicorn." There were a couple of chuckles throughout the classroom. Goombella's mouth dropped from the fact that one of her deepest secrets were revealed to the class.

"How dare you!" Goombella shouted. Her short temper was lit.

"I was being more in-depth," he defended.

"More in-depth? Well how about this for in-depth! When you were three, you ate dirt, and you liked it!" she yelled. Her tattling abilities seemed to be, unexpectedly, as good as his.

"Well...you've always worn that ridiculous helmet since a kid in your third grade class threw up in your hair!" he said rather loudly. He was becoming rather irritated with her.

"You are so afraid of heights, when you were eight, you actually peed yourselfon a roller coaster!" she cried. He seemed to break at this remark, as it was utterly mortifying to relive that moment.

"At least I still don't wet the bed!" he hollered.

The room went silent.

"Yeah! That's right!" Goombario continued, looking at the students, "She still wets the bed. And when her parents first found out, she blamed it on the unicorn!"

"You bastard!" This was the final straw for Goombella. She charged him and engaged in an actual fight. Looks like another lawsuit for Frankly.

End Flashback

"Wait," Kooper said shaking his head, "_You_ got beat up by a _girl_?" He could almost laugh.

"I-I went easy on her," Goombario stuttered.

"Oh, god, you're serious aren't you?" he said in a more shocked demeanor.

"She had a freaking helmet on!" the goomba defended, "Look, the point is that I've avoided her all my college life, and you have to avoid her too." Kooper stared at him for a moment.

"That's ridiculous," he said. The koopa went over to the girls.

"Hey there!" Kooper shouted over to them. He ran over to them much to the dismay of Goombario.

"Me and…" he looked to his side and realized that his companion wasn't there.

"I guess it's just me then," Kooper said looking around, "Well, anyway, do you girls know how I might get to Hooktail's Castle?" He shot Koopie Koo a smile, and she, in turn, blushed. Before they could answer, a faint screaming was heard up in the air. Suddenly, two koopas dropped to the ground with parachutes. The first one that landed, the screaming one, had a grey pullover jacket underneath his green shell and a bandage of unknown origin on his nose. He took off the parachute and dropped to the ground, clutching the grass affectionately.

"I am never going to leave you again!" he cried. The second koopa landed and took off his parachute. He had hairy eyebrows, a beard, and a blue shell.

"See Koops, wasn't that fun?" Koopley asked his son.

"Fun?" he repeated, "It was horrifying! You pushed me out of a plane with a backpack with no explanation whatsoever! I could've died! I know you missed out of most my childhood, but this is just too much!" They started bickering, but Kooper could only stare, gaping at the blue shelled one.

"Father?" he said aloud.

Another Note: Makes sense, does it not? Eh, I'll make something new later. Until then, INTERMISSION. I find it completely depressing that, at the end of the game, Bobbery travels the seas with a giant floating skull as a companion.


	3. Intermission

Author's Note: Lots of time on my hands makes me extremely bored. This is what came out of it.

The sun had set, and the night had just begun. The neon sign of the bar buzzed and flickered while bystanders walked past the joint. A moving shadow on the ground sped by the place and then stopped. It went back and moved itself right in front of the door. After a few moments, the silhouette rushed inside. Inside the tavern, there were several tables, a bar, and in the very back, a stage. The shadow on the ground slowly rose up. It was a peculiar sight to see a red and white striped hat suddenly appear. From underneath the hat, a dark purple figure with pink hair climbed out of the ground, and in her arms, she held a salty old brown bob-omb with an old sailor's cap.

BOOM!

The bob-omb instantly exploded in her face once they were above ground. Once he landed, he glared at the her.

"What was that for?" Vivian coughed.

"Let's see," said Bobbery through his grey mustache, "you broke into my house, grabbed me while I was sleeping, and dragged me down to hell!" He looked around and noticed he was in a karaoke bar.

"Damn! I'm _still_ in hell!" he shouted.

"Aw, c'mon," she said, "this place isn't so bad. I mean, it's grungy, but so are you. It's a perfect place for you to find a date." Bobbery looked at her with disgust.

"I'm out of here," the bob-omb said. Vivian quickly got in her way.

"Hey, you can't do this!" she said, blocking the exit, "You go months without end traveling the seas without seeing anyone! The only person you have for company is Cortez, and centuries old spirits don't count as company."

"So says the thousand year old shadow," the bob-omb said coldly.

"That's not the point," she said, "No one deserves to be alone. You need a little companionship. Someone that'll at least wait for you once you hit shore."

"I don't want companionship," Bobbery remarked icily, "I just want to head back to Rogueport and rest before I go sailing off again tomorrow."

"Fine," she said, "if you won't do this for yourself, do it for me. Because even if you step out those doors, I'll stay here with all these possible murderers and rapists. And you'll have to deal with the guilt for leaving me, a defenseless girl, all alone." Bobbery opened his mouth to say 'I don't care', but she interrupted him.

"Please," Vivian pleaded. She had come a long way from the inferiority complex she had before meeting up with Mario. Now, she was pretty much a naïve impulsive girl that was known to be probably more than a thousand years old. The bob-omb stared at her gaze. She honestly _was_ trying to help him.

"No."

He walked passed the shadow, leaving her to twitch a couple of times.

"I see," she said, "So that's how he wants it." Vivian pulled herself around the bob-omb and blocked his path once more.

"Stop this madness and let me-" before he could say anymore, the siren pulled out her trump card.

"YOU MEANIE!" she cried. She started to sob uncontrollably while beating him with her gloved hands. Now, this posed as a problem. Anyone who would lay eyes on the shadow would probly be infatuated with her presence, as, there was a certain charm about her that made men want to protect her and beat the crap out of anyone who would make her cry.

Bobbery felt the male half of the populace drill holes with thier eyes at him. They shifted in their seats like they were ready to make scraps out of the old bomb. This made him groan.

"Fine," he said. Vivian looked up and stopped her crying immidiately.

"Really?" she asked. The bob-omb sighed.

"It's a good thing this place has a bar," Bobbery said heading toward it. Vivian raised her hands in victory and left Bobbery to socially interact.

Meanwhile…

A pink bob-omb stumbles inside the tavern. She looked around awkwardly and stared back at the boo who pushed her into the grungy place.

"Why the hell am I here again?" she asked the lady with red bows on both sides of her head.

"Because," she replied, "you're uptight and need to loosen up. Plus, I'd like a companion to come along with me as I make fun of amateur singers."

"I am not uptight," she blurted out.

"Bombette," Bow said putting a ghostly hand on her shoulder, "You coop yourself all day in a Koopa home and have to put up with a guy who constantly praises his love to you for an unnecessary amount of times. If you don't relax, those stress wrinkles might become permanent." The boo went over to a table near the stage to make fun of whoever goes near it. The two were considerably older since their adventure with Mario, and seemed to be able to go to bars without getting looks from the patrons.

"I am not stressed!" she shouted to her.

Elsewhere in the bar…

Vivian stumbled over to a black shelled koopa troopa wearing a black bandana. He seemed to be sitting alone at a table.

"Hey, why are you sitting alone?" the ex-shadow siren asked.

"Well, I'm part of a gang: the ultra cool Koopa Bros. So, it's only natural for people to fear me," he replied.

"Part of a gang? I used to be part of a gang!" Vivian said ecstatically.

"Really?" he asked.

"Yeah, we were called the…um, The Shadow Sirens, I think," she said, "Though, I could've come up with a better name if Beldam let me."

"Shadow Siren, eh?" he repeated, "I don't think there's anything that sounds cooler than that."

"Well, what about the 'The Shadow **Beauties**'? How about that for cool?" she asked expectantly. The koopa could almost fall over in his chair.

"Err…well, I guess that sounds okay," he said.

"What do you mean by 'okay'? It's phenomenal!" Vivian argued.

"Right, you go ahead and think that," the koopa said.

"Hey! Who are you to judge what sounds cool or not? Your gang name is 'The Koopa Bros.' How unoriginal is that? It's basically your species next to 'Bros.'."

"To be honest, it wasn't my idea," he defended, "I wanted to be called 'The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles'. I suggested it to Red, but he turned me down, saying crap about copyright lawyers and whatnot. Obviously, he's jealous of my creative genius, but he's too proud to admit he's been outdone. So we're stuck with _that_ lame name."

"Wait," Vivian said thinking, "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Exactly how are you mutants?"

"Well, in technically, all koopas are walking talking turtles, which in itself isn't normal, so, basically, all koopas are mutants," he explained. When he looked at up, he realized he was talking to no one. Vivian had left the table and seemed to be heading for the stage.

Meanwhile…

Bombette was already confused on what to do. Having fun wasn't her forte, so she wandered around, completely clueless as for what to do. And if that wasn't enough to make her feel uncomfortable, the pink bob-omb suddenly heard a voice that could pierce several koopas and make them bleed to death.

"BOMBETTE!" the bob-omb screamed. She winced and slowly turned her head. The black bob-omb ran toward her, pushing others down along his way, and collapsed at her feet.

"I've been looking everywhere for you!" he cried, "You didn't come home at your usual time, and I was worried sick!"

"…Bruce," she said, "Have you been stalking my house again?" Although he looked like a normal bob-omb, he had obsessive tendencies, and he had them toward Bombette. She found this weird and disturbing, and the only reason she didn't pull out a restraining order was because he did her taxes.

"Wait, don't answer that," Bombette said, "Just…leave." Suddenly, Bruce started preaching his love in a way that would make Shakespeare proud, but, now in days, it was, as most people would call it, creepy.

"Look, Bruce," she said, "I hate to say this, but I um…am on a date." Obviously, it was a lie to make him go away, but, with him being so dense, he took her word as divine truth.

"Really?" the bob-omb asked, "Who?" Bombette winced and looked around. She hadn't expected him to ask who, since he was as bright as an eclipse. She looked around at the various toads and squeeks, which are apparently those talking mice. There were practically no believable suitors for her.

"Err…he's…" she said hesitantly. Her eyes suddenly averted toward the bar.

"There!" Bombette yelled triumphantly, "Right there! Near the bar!" Bruce turned to the bob-omb and fumed.

"Alright, I'll fight for your love!" Bruce yelled. He did a battle cry and ran toward him, and since there were several tables blocking his path, it took him awhile. Bobbery turned around and watched the little guy scream and dash toward him. It was a pretty awkward wait. He ended his cry once he was in front of him.

"You think you can steal my girlfriend!" he yelled. Bobbery looked at the ashamed pink bob-omb in the corner and back toward Bruce.

"I think there's been some sort of mistake," he said monotonously.

"I'll show _you_ who's the _mistake_! You and me, right now! Mano-a-mano!" the bob-omb yelled.

"You can't be serious," Bobbery said keeping his indifferent composure.

"What? Are you too scared to get a taste of the almighty Bruce, pops!" the bob-omb screeched. He jumped on the table, performing moves with his feet.

"_Pops?_" Bobbery repeated. The bob-omb went in front of him and kicked the mug out of his nonexistent hand.

"Yeah! I'm calling you old, gramps!" Bruce said, jumping around like an idiot, "Ohhhhhh!" He apparently made his own audience to make the insult more effective. It really didn't. Bobbery looked at the fallen mug and then to him.

_4.2 seconds later…_

Bruce ran out of the bar, bruised and battered, retaining as much dignity as he can. On the inside, Bobbery sighed and jumped back on his stool. He called the bartender for some more of the Chuckola Cola, which may or may not be an alcoholic drink. Bombette looked in awe at her "savior" and hopped on the stool next to him.

"Wow! I mean, wow. That was some fancy fighting there,"she commented, "I know he was weak, but I've never seen anyone beat the crap out of _anyone_ that fast."

"I'm a sailor," he said simply, hoping that was a suitable explanation. She nodded understandingly, but she didn't leave him alone. The bob-omb kept her seat beside him, making the him sigh.

"Say, what's a broad like you doing in a place like this?" Bobbery asked, "Wouldn't you rather be shopping at the mall or doing other ladylike conducts?"

"I-I'm not that young," the girl bob-omb replied, "Plus, it's not like I don't enjoy…having a roughhousing good time!" She tried to pull off a sailor's accent on that last part. This didn't amuse him.

"I'm sorry," she immediately apologized, "That was very stereotypical and-"

"Don't be," Bobbery interrupted, "That was actually pretty good." He finished off his drink and breathed out the carbonation.

"Bartender!" he shouted at the bean, "I'll have another." He waved his empty glass, which was difficult to do without hands.

"I'll have one too!" Bombette chimed in. Bobbery gave her a quizzical look.

"What?" she asked.

"Nothing." Bobbery caught his drink, and so did the girl. She took a swig and noticed that Bobbery was once again looking at her.

"Stop it," Bombette said with her face going red, "I'm turning scarlet."

"Right," he said, turning at the sound of that last word. He was about to say something to her, but heard a calamity go on near the stage.

_A few minutes earlier…_

The stage was dimly lit. Curtains moved aside to reveal a lone microphone stand. Suddenly, from the ground, Vivian arose and took the microphone into her own hands. The stereos on both sides of the stage started playing a slow piano solo, and she started singing in a classic cabaret style. She hovered off stage and started singing to certain individuals, which either made their mouth start gaping or made them start tapping their foot and howl in a cartoon like behavior. Let's just say she was hot and leave it at that.

"Boo!" yelled a…well, boo. Vivian instantly turned around at the culprit.

"I'm sorry," she said, "What?"

"You heard me," Bow said to her, "That was positively dreadful. Was that singing or belching?" Vivian opened her mouth to defend herself, but she went on.

"Practically, the only thing worse than your song is that outfit you're wearing. I mean, what did you do when you found Waldo? Mug him?" she asked.

"Who are you to criticize? You're wearing two stupid bows at the sides of your head. What are you, a kindergartener?" Vivian quipped.

"I'll have you know that these bows are worth more than you'll ever make in your pathetic little life," she growled. The shadow shot her hand forward and pulled off one of her bows. She held it in her hand and crushed it.

"Whoops," she said innocently.

Bow mentally snapped and wound her hand back. She slapped her, hard. Vivian's head was turned slightly from the blow. She grazed the spot she slapped with her palm, and, in a fit of rage, punched Bow in the face. The boo fell back onto a table.

"How do you like that, bitch?" she said to her. Bow took out her steel fan and smacked her. Vivian spun around a couple of times and landed on the floor.

"I like that fine, thank you," Bow said. Vivian got up and charged her. Once she got a hold of the ghost, she tried to pull her into the shadows, but she turned transparent and slipped through her grasp. She appeared behind her and started pulling her pink hair, knocking off her hat. Vivian backed up to a wall and then head banged her several times before she became transparent again. When Bow reappeared again, she was tackled and punched a couple of times, but she managed a few blows of her own. The fight kept going on like this.

_Present time…_

Bobbery and Bombette rushed up to the scene. Bow was now on top, decking her in the forehead, but then, suddenly, Vivian pulled out a dropped mug from the ground, and used it to bash into Bow's ghostly frame.

"Why isn't anyone trying to stop them?" Bombette asked hysterically.

"Well," Bobbery explained, "this is a karaoke bar. All the people here are either drunk or high."

"And you?" the girl bob-omb asked.

"Well, I just want the purple one to suffer a little bit for bringing me here," he said, "and besides, it's a chick fight. It's a popular rule amongst most young males to never, ever, stop a chick fight." Bombette gave him a glare. He noticed this and sighed.

"Fine," he said.

"Legless ones!" Bobbery called, "Stop!" They completely ignored him and kept fighting. He sighed once more. The sea bomb brought out a miniature version of himself and kicked it towards the two.

"What was that?" Bombette asked.

"You'll see in a second," he replied. They watched them duke it out for a minute, and then saw an explosion. Bow and Vivian were flung back in opposite directions and were now unconscious.

"Looks like I have to get her to some sort of doctor," Bobbery sighed. He went over to Vivian's body, which looked like a giant bruise, and started shoving it out the door. Once he was outside, he heard someone from inside the bar.

"Hey! Sailor!" Bombette called. She came outside and looked at the old salty sea bob-omb.

"I, uh, didn't say thanks," she said looking down, "Say, if you ever get tired of the sea, look me up sometime." The pink bob-omb handed him a napkin with several digits scratched on it, although it's hard to say how someone with no hands managed to do that. She ran back in to dump water on her friend's face. Bobbery looked at the napkin like it proved that the world was flat.

"Huh," he said. Bobbery put the cloth underneath his hat and started dragging Vivian's body around town.

Author's Note: I heard somewhere that Vivian was originally a boy in the game, but I think that's bull.


	4. Chapter 3

Author's Note: Don't question what's behind the door.

The koopas stood in silence for several minutes. Looks of confusion and bewilderment was written all over their faces, as several toads threw tumbleweed at them. Koopley was the first to snap out of the trance.

"I'm sorry," he said, "What was that? I don't think I heard you properly."

"You're my father!" he shouted ecstatically. It was like Christmas morning for him. The koopa reached inside his shell and pulled out a picture of a younger Koopley, who looked exactly the same as he did now.

"You look exactly like him! It _has_ to be you!" he said. Kooper ran to him with his arms open and embraced the old koopa.

"Even though you smell like stomach acid right now, this is the happiest moment of my life!" he said with tears swelling in his eyes. Either the smell was _that_ bad, or this really was a heartwarming moment for him.

"Ugh!" Kooper grunted, as he felt his lungs burning, "What _is _that smell? Wait, don't answer. It doesn't matter." He continued to hug him affectionately.

"…um, who are you?" Koopley asked uncomfortably.

"Oh, right," he said, backing off, "You wouldn't know." He coughed like he was going to make a speech.

"You see, my mom went to Shiver City-" Koopley's eyes seemed to bulge instantly. He covered his ears and took a couple of paces away from the group.

"No!" he shouted, "Could it be?"

Flashback Mode: START!

A pale Koopley stumbled out of the Sperm Bank of Shiver City. He seemed to be in shock, as he muttered incomprehensible jargon. A little while later, a young female koopa with a red ascot walked into the bank.

Flashback Mode: TERMINATE!

"Shiver City has a sperm bank?" Goombelle asked, "That's…fairly disturbing." Nearby, Koopie Koo was comforting a broken Koopley, who was in the fetal position, rocking back and forth.

"All I wanted to do was start a checking account," he mumbled, "but they gave me magazines!" He burst out sobbing.

"Shh," the female koopa consoled, as she patted his shell, "It's okay now. Everthing's going to be okay." Meanwhile, Koops confronted his half-brother.

"I guess that makes us brothers," he stated casually, "My name's Koops." He held out his hand for a handshake, but Kooper just looked at him. A brief moment of silence occurred before his face twisted into a smile.

"Okay," the blue-shelled turtle chuckled, shaking his hand.

"Hey, what's that supposed to mean?" Koops asked. His offhanded remark seemed to have offended him.

"Nothing," he replied nonchalantly, "just…" It looked like he was about to say something more, but he stopped.

"…just what?" Koops asked. Kooper hesitated to answer.

"Well," he sighed, "It's just that…you're…" He bit his lip.

"Are you sure you're my brother?" Kooper asked.

"Huh?" he asked.

"You just…don't look like me or my dad," Kooper remarked. Through the few brief touching moments he met Koopley, he decided to call him his dad.

"You think I'm adopted?!" he said, "Just so you know, I get my looks from my mother's side!"

"…sure," the blue-shelled koopa said. He smirked and walked away toward _his _father, who was back on his two feet now.

"I'm sorry dad," he said, patting him on the shoulder, "I know we just met, but, alas, I have work to do. This must be a tear-jerking moment for you, so if you want to give me a goodbye hug, go right ahead." He opened his arms to him, but he made no such movement.

"Your silence speaks volumes to me!" Kooper cried, embracing him once more. He let go abruptly and brushed himself off.

"Sorry for that little outburst," he said, "I couldn't help myself." He coughed and turned his attention to Koopie Koo.

"Say, we've never really finished our conversation," Kooper said to her, "How about we talk over frappès?" His quick change of attitude was baffling, but, none the less, she was flattered.

"Oh, um, well…" she sputtered. Koops answered for her.

"No way in hell!"

"…I'm sorry, but who are you to answer for this lovely young dame?" he said, looking over to her, "whose beauty may even surpass that of a goddess."

"Stop hitting on my girlfriend!" Koops shouted angrily. Kooper almost gagged, but he tried to maintain his composure. In the end, he looked at the green turtle with a flabbergasted expression.

"…girlfriend?" he asked. Kooper glanced between the two koopas, sizing them up.

"…really?" he asked.

"What, do I look like I'm related to her?" he asked angrily.

"Now that I think about it, yeah," Kooper replied, "...and along with the fact that you're a…well, loser. I'm sorry, but it's the bandage on the bridge of your nose that really does it." Koops mouth gaped open from that comment.

"All right," he said, "I've had enough. You come here uninvited, you accuse me of incest, and now you're calling me a pathetic loser! Let's go! Right here, right now!"

"In all fairness, I didn't call you pathetic yet," Kooper foreshadowed.

"You think I'm kidding?" Koops asked, grinding his teeth.

"Well, you don't really look like much of a powerhouse," he said.

"Hey! I helped save the world!" the koopa argued.

"…big whoop," Kooper said callously, "you still look pathetic." The koopa looked up, noticing his remark.

"Now...I just called you pathetic," he remarked, making his premonition true. Koops furiously charged at the blue-shelled koopa and proceeded to punch, kick, scratch, and bite him.

"I...AM NOT...PATHETIC!" he shouted, pounding his head into the ground, "AND ASCOTS...ARE STUPID!"

"Stop!" Koopie Koo yelled. She and Goombella pulled him off of Kooper. The blue-shelled koopa scrambled to his feet and glared at Koops.

"Okay, now it's on!" he said huffed angrily, "No one makes fun of my ascot and gets away with it!" Kooper went into his shell and started spinning. His rotations became faster with every turn, to the point where smoke emitted from the ground. Suddenly, his shell bursted into fire. All of their mouths dropped from this predicament.

"HOLY CRAP!" Koops shouted. They all ducked as the koopa's shell shot over them and landed near a toad kid, where the boy caught on fire.

"Waah!" the child screamed. He started running around. Kooper popped out of his shell carrying a cocky grin.

"Yeah! What now!?" he hollered, "Who's looking stupid now!?" The back of his head met with a brick Goombario had managed to throw. Needless to say, he instantly lost consciousness.

"Are you insane?" Goombario growled to the body, "You could've hurt someone."

"Wahh!" the toad shrieked as he passed by. Goombario ignored the inferior's cries of terror and proceeded to kick Kooper's body out of the area. He looked up at the four half scared to death spectators.

"Sorry for the fuss," he said. There was a noticable change in his appearance.

The reason why he wasn't so intimidated with Goombella's presence was because of his ingenious plan to not where his hat. By doing so, he could easily be mistaken for one of the rabid goombas wandering the countryside. He was surprised that he hadn't come up with it sooner, since it was so simple. In fact, it would've saved him a lot of trouble in college, as, he was forced to hide in trashcans, wastebaskets, garbage cans, dumpsters, and any other type of waste disposal unit you could think of everytime he got a whif of her, but now, he wouldn't have to worry about that, as, Goombario felt fairly confident that this disguise was enough to trick her if she ever came back into his life again.

"Goombario?" the girl goomba asked.

"Shit."

Author's Note: Kooper's rude, delusional, and insane. Koops has a short fuse. Shiver City has a sperm bank. Go figure.


End file.
